v l i x z i e s

hey, it's been a while. a very long while- tho.

i'm here. back at it again.

today i'll tell you about my gloomy days.
the days when i feel absolutely worthless.
the days when i feel completely alone.


today is one of those days.

i woke up pretty late, because last night i was busy editing our vlog. it's so annoying to be honest, i have to edit and the other members could just- you know, sleep earlier. i slept on 2AM. that's what happened.
and so i woke up very, very tired. i was extremely sleepy and i couldn't bear it. i let my brother took the shower first, and i slept until he's finished. i took it afterwards.

and then those screams started to begin. those mad screams from Dad. the one that will always scream and shout things that you might not want to hear. you best not.

i let it all happen and i just ate my breakfast. he left and i am peaceful- with my mother. i want to feel that way. forever.

and so i went to school. today school was pretty so-so, but i was bothered by let's just say y*s**. he always made fun of me these days. i dont know why, but perhaps he knew about my past. my jhs years which i am trying to forget and cover up.

i act like i don't care, but the truth is... i do.

I really do.

Do you think it's nice to uncover someone's shady past and mock them in front of everyone?

Because I don't think it is.

moving on, we had to presentate the vlog later that day. i was super anxious, since the other groups edited their vlogs nicely and my edit- with my brother was very crappy. i dont care anyways. i feel like, this class- is gonna disband soon. less than 3 months we will not see each other again that regularly. so i was fine with it, even though i feel kinda jealous and beated by the other groups.

and then i went home. before that i practiced singing with my friends. we are going to sing in public tomorrow. i am so nervous, but i think i'll do fine. i will.

i have to go to my course, of course. but the thing is, i am super tired. and i prayed to God that it'll rain so i dont have to go.

And it rained.

i was so happy, i dont have to go. but then the rain stopped, and the time is late already. if i come, then i'll be late and i can't enter the classroom.
so i didn't come, i had a feeling that i should come the second period, but i didn't. because i feel tired and i slept. i can't bother at all, really. i just want a day-off. plus, i am also kinda dizzy. my throat hurts a little and i feel super worn out.

so i didn't go.
i slept and stayed in. mom let me. i was so happy.

then dad came home. i knew since the first time i chose to not go to course he'll be in rage. and i was right.

he came home and started yelling. and they keep coming. the bad words, and those stuffs. everything. i felt bad for my mom, she had to take it all in by herself. i came beside her and i sat. he was still screaming and being mad. he said he was embarassed by my attitude. he said i'm a disgrace. he said i should just quit. i should just not go to school, to course, or continue my studies to university.

i feel so mad too. but my mind is very messed up. i just woke up and everything is displaced. i feel unhappy.

so i confronted him but it just made him even madder, i kept on saying stuffs that i thought were right. and mom defended me. i love her.

he talked about integrity, about many things. about discipline, and honesty and many others. he told me about my work life. he said i wont get far with this, he said he would fire me if i was one of his employee. he said i'll fail and stuffs.

i know i will if i keep on being like this, but seriously though, i was just trying to rest. and you best know i never did this before. this was my first time. but he talked like i did it every single day.

you know those pain of being stabbed right in your heart? that's what i felt. i felt like his words just stabbed me. he said mean words about my future. he said bad stuffs, i couldn't bear to listen to them.

so then i left.

i dont care about him anymore. i went to my room.

i had an idea of calling my grandma, but i didn't do it because then i'll just cry. and she will know that im in a bad state and she will ask mom and mom will be mad at me for including her.

but to be honest, i just needed to talk. to someone. i want to have a friend. someone that i could tell anything about my life. i cant tell anyone about this matter because it's family things. it is meant to be private, right? but i just needed some comfort. i know, that my granny will do it for me. she has always had my back. i love her so much. but she's far. and i miss her so much. if she's here, she'll probably hug me and tell me everything's gonna be okay. she's the sweetest.

and so that was my day. not the gloomiest one, but still very gloomy. i feel that each day i grew sadder and sadder. i grew even more reserved and don't care about anything happening out there. i feel fed up. i just want a break. i want my happy days to come soon. but i think they won't right? it's gonna be a long time before they come again. i'm so sad.

i want to smile beautifully again.
i want it to be a real smile.

but i don't even feel pretty anymore, i feel ugly. i feel fat. and so on.
i don't know what's happening to me.

please.

doajuseyo.

-i'll go now. it's late and i have stuffs to do. good night people. and it's okay me in the future, i have promised myself tonight i'm gonna let it all out. i'm going to cry it out and then it'll just be okay right?

it will all be okay. God is with me.

HiIIIiiyaa there!!!

it's 24th October and you know what this means...

ITS ALMOST MY 17TH BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

im so excITEDDD i cant wait for the day i legally turn 17.
idk it just means a LOT to me especially because 17 is like your 'legal' age to do stuffs in Indonesia and I just cant WAITTTT

i also have prepared a venue for my birthday, it s not the best but at least its something :)
my mother totally went overboard for the birthday party. She bought a real fancy gOWN or dress and the decor too. I mean im happy but at the same time its like "woooww, isnt it tOO MUCH?" because the venue is not even that fancy and im scared about my gown i mean its like super wedding-ish. I wanna cry but at the same time, i feel happy and princess-like.. but im also scared of people judgements.

i just wish i could go there and have a great night. but im scared too, you know because people are gonna stare and i couldnt handle all those attention, especially if im overly over dressed- im afraid.

but i thought,


this is my own flippin party ok i do what i want i dress as a princess because its my birthday party and i could be a princess if i want to do that oK YOU GET THIS STRAIGHT

but at the same time i also thought negative things like people are gonna judge me and my gown or whatever im scared i feel intimidated and anxious.

that's why they call me the Anxiety Queen.

well then thats it i guess, i dont know what else to write. i love my brother's headphone they could take you to another dimension of GOOD QUALITY SONGS!!! (my music taste is 100% top notch, btw)

i also have so many exams and other things coming up soon too. like try outs and stuffs. i m scared but at the same time i have to face it so yea...


pls pray for me :( im scared as a scaredy little kitty cat goes meow meow

bye i'll see u soon <3

im about to be 17 next month!!!!!!!

-Happy and cant wait me.