v l i x z i e s

my world has been shifted these days
i feel like i could see my worth bit by bit
how people have been treating me
and not meeting me halfway

i feel like i ve done everything i could to make sure,
make sure that everyone else are happy too
but most of the time, like now,
i became the villain

i never meant for any harm
i always tried to comply and be nice
but people kept, making me the worst of all
making me feel like i am the bad one out of everyone

if i am that bad
why dont you all just leave me and dump me somewhere
kill me, if that matters
i dont know, just do the worst to me
just leave me alone

i hope you will gain happiness after i am gone
i hope you won't feel traumatic after i am gone
i hope your life would be more relaxed and happier after i am gone
i just want you to not be like when i am with you
you could use the happiness, and just dump all the sadness to me

after i realize my worth , i also realize i could also not take so much burden from everyone's treatments toward me
i could also not care less
but another part of me kept saying
i am indeed the one at fault
i am indeed the worst one
and that part of mine , is pretty loud , and she kept dominating
she hurted me, and i know that its painful, but she kept going
i kept thinking , why should i take such treatment towards me? but then that other part of mine said, "well because you deserved it"

so i felt like i dont deserve good things either way
i am the one at fault anyways, i always make others feel miserable right?
from my father to my boyfriend, everybody said i am the worst
in front of them , i could act like i dont care and i could act like i am not shaken by their words
but then behind closed doors, just like now, i cry and cut my hands
just like that, my heart got crushed bit by bit,
every words replayed to me like a cassette, my heart kept crushing each time
i hear them repeat in my head,
"you bring me trauma" "you never listen" "you kept talking and talking" "you are not beneficial at all" "you are a hell child" "you will go to hell" "you are so disgraceful" "i dont want to talk to you anymore"
^ those are the words i heard from 2 people just in the span of 3 hours, i guess, today.
just now, recently
i got called all of that

and now here i am, cutting my wrists again
wishing everything could get better
if only, i could just survive.. yet another day, again
and pretend as if i am okay, again, just like always
just numbify myself
and think as if it all didnt matter to me, and go on with my life
but each time i look away for one second, my mind starts remembering all those words
and i just can't stop thinking about them
and my wrists remind me
of how painful it all was

my favorite part of the day
is being with you
is hearing your voice
and your laugh
i just love being with you

im sorry if its too much for you
im sorry for not being able to be independent
and for always trying to call you
im sorry for bugging your day with my calls
i m sorry

for everything

you're my favorite part of my day
and i want to spend every time with you
every single minute, with you
i now know, i'm being too much of a burden for you too
i'm sorry for putting you back a lot in your life

if someday, you think, you'll be better off without me,
i hope you'll always remember
how much i love you
and how i want to always be with you
i'm sorry for ruining your days with me
i'm sorry for me.

i'm sorry

my favorite part of my day, hated me now
and i guess there's no more of that happy time in my life anymore

and so its the end of my favorite part of my day.
any day, now, i just, i guess,
i am not deserving of that time.

do you know the thought that came to my mind a lot these days?
vermin,
it means. people perceived as despicable and as causing problems for the rest of society.

i think, i am the vermin.
i think everyone will be better off without me.
i am the vermin to everyone's life.

earlier today, my mind kept whispering it to me,
vermin, you're such a vermin, pita.
oh, look, another one. you're such a vermin.
i just can't stop.

my boyfriend got mad at me again today,
said that i kept being mad at him lately over small things
and that he doesnt feel excited and happy to go out with me anymore now, since i always ruin it by saying bad stuffs to him first
i guess i am the vermin

suddenly my memory flashed
to the earlier days
to the taman mini memories
we both rode bikes and i laugh a lot, you too
it seems so surreal back then
we were so happy
every week we would wait for weekends to be able to meet and have fun for a day
we would discuss it first and we would always smile
i never knew, now, you would despise going out with me
because of me, too.
i am the root cause of the problem, right.

i cried a lot today,
my mind kept screaming, "vermin" at me
maybe it is true.
maybe i am the vermin.
i should not be near you, anymore
or anyone, even
i have always known, it was all because of me in the end
i am the one who will always ruin it all
i am sorry, everyone

i want to protect your happiness,
i think i can, by not being with you all
i think you would be happy without me around
my boyfriend says, "why should i always fix things, but you run away?"
i dont know.
i am sorry.
i tried to fix it, but hearing you keep talking about how bad i made you feel, over and over again, and getting reminded of everything again,
i felt a huge pain in my chest and head
and my mind just whispers , vermin.
tears rolled down my cheeks. and i cried.
i cried and i cried again.
i am sorry.

sorry, for making your life miserable.
sorry, for everything.
my behaviors, everything, turns everyone against me in the end
i guess i should just protect everyone's happiness by not being close with anyone anymore
i would keep myself alone, so you will be safe without my actions
i am sorry.

i wont be another vermin again.

i guess maybe it is my fault,
or is it?
i don't know anymore.

i have always felt that i am alone, loveless, and just unworthy of all
but then i also kept myself locked, inside
i seek comfort by being with myself
no more socializing with others or even trying,
i just stay still each day.

i guess its my fault, huh?
my friends left me and had fun without me
i am left alone
kind of sad at first, but now i don't feel anything except a tingling ache

i guess it is me, i'm the one at fault.

i dont try my hardest to be with others, maybe it's true what everyone says, i take things to heart way easily, and i use my emotion a lot - they called me emotional - and thus said i will leave on my own

i kinda hoped they would try to stop me.
be my friend.
talk to me, for a while.
instead they replaced me, easy.
well, i guess that s just how my story ends.
no more friendships at work, no more friendship outside. i just sit in my room and blast music all day and night.

i mean, i can keep myself company, right?
i sure hope so.
but once or twice, i miss my old friends.

i miss how it was back then,
i was happy and i felt so secure in our friend group.
but that friend group... is no more.
goodbye, kepompong. goodbye, sarwen.
goodbye all.

i wish everyone the best in life.
thank you, for once being my friend.
and i'm sorry, for being too emotional and getting away.
my fault anyways.

maybe youre right
maybe everyone is right
maybe its just me
im the problem

i am not someone people will like, right
i think i am the one spreading negativity and burden to everyone
i think i dont deserve to live
i think me living is just another burden for others..
i think its my fault

time has passed, and more people has shown their dissatisfaction at me,
i dont know, from all of their judgments i can just feel that it is all me.
i think i am not meant for others
im meant to be alone
just die alone
and be alone


not worthy of it all, me
i m not worthy of love
everyone i love gets hurt because of me and eveveryone is so much better without me
i hope everyone will be happier without me

i think they will


is it still worth it to keep going just to hurt more people?
i dont think so, right
i think my existence does not bring any benefit
to anyone, really

i love others more than i love myself, i know that by now
i am sorry for everything
i am sorry for being born
j am sorry.

i let everyone down.
i am a burden and i make others feel bad.
i amsorry.

hi!

its been so long, too long even

life has been really weird for me, i dont know how i survive each day to be honest
im kinda just passing through it,
well, at least i tried to..

each day my happiest moment is when i am not working, since i think i hate my work so much
it really stresses me a lot and it is making me so limited, i always think of work each day, each time, it is suffocating me really
i dont think i want to do this any further, i kinda want to resign so bad, but i dont know where i will work after, and i will have no money.. anyways, i kinda realize this is where my skill lies actually, but i just hate the pressure and toxicity, i mean, the people arent bad, some are though, they are so sarcastic and annoying, and pokey.. but most are not, which is nice... i guess just the hustle culture of it, it drains me a lot.. since everyone wants to do everything at the same time, quickly, making me so tired of it all.

anyways, i havent told you the saddest part yet,

my grandma died..
i really was so sad, i was numb at first, i dont know what to say, so i guess i just stayed silent.
i dont know what i was expecting to be honest, my grandma is old and sick, she always go to the hospital, and i used to pick the number for her, it s sad really.
i just bought her a wheelchair too.. she really liked it she used it and my mom took a picture of her, she is so sweet. she raised me, and i love her so much, its sad that i didnt get the chance to say goodbye due to work, when she fell into coma i didnt go to her..
but i really do love her, its just that, maybe times changed, and i was too focused on my work and also my freedom..
when my family were there, i was here and i went out with my boyfriend a lot, i was just... misplacing it, i guess..
i think i tried to compensate my sadness by being with my boyfriend, in which i am always happy when im with, most of the time at least. and i shifted my sadness to another, temporary happiness, which i shouldnt have been doing.

sorry grandma, i love you so much. i thought you were getting better, mom said so.. i dont know what happened.. suddenly you were just gone.. and i miss you a lot.. you always had my back, sorry i didnt have yours at the end.. but i always prayed for you, i hope you know just how special you are in my heart.

further, my boyfriend and i are playing valorant a lot these days, its a game which i newly joined, i like the game a lot, but i am quite bad at it.. i am trying but i dont know, i guess im not that gifted. i like to win, and i want to be good.. but i cant, it stresses me so much and it makes me sad because i cant do it right, and i get frustrated a lot..
i think people do too, my teammates always gets mad at me, most of the time, and my boyfriend shouts at me a lot when we are playing it, i guess im just that bad huh.. i always get sad

i dont know, i guess this update has turned to a sad turn, huh..
well, truth be told.. i dont know, these days.. i feel like the days are passing by too quickly, and i just wanted to rest.. i am so tired from every angle, from work, my disoriented family, my friends who are accelerating and just having fun, and my boyfriend who sometimes get disappointed or sad at me, i think my life has started to be pretty stale and just routine-like.. i dont know what else to be excited about, other than meeting my boyfriend i guess.. i was excited for the game (valorant) but as i am so bad, and people complained to me about it, it made me sad and sometimes i feel so small and inferior

i hope people can show kindness, to everyone.. to me maybe.. i dont know
i think my boyfriend is the biggest ray of sunshine i have, but i dont know, sometimes he can be stressful and he can also hurt my feelings without him realizing it.. it s kinda sad actually.
and i am so worried for our future too, i want to be married to him, but he hasnt graduated yet, i want him to finish it quickly really, i am so stressed out and im scared of everything, i hope things will go well for him.. i really want him to be successful, i cant imagine my life without him actually, i love him so much.. i am just scared of our future.. and my love.. since i love him so much.. that much...

i just dont want to lose him, ever..

i hope things get better in the future for everyone, i hope things will be better for me.. i can be selfish for once, right.. please be better for me.. and for yusuf.. i love my yusuf so much..

i just hope my life will be sparkling and happy again. i hope i can unleash my inner happiness and i hope i can look forward to tomorrow with happiness again, just like the old days.

thank you for giving some time to read this, again, me. i hope you are doing much better than 14 june pita :)

dear yusuf,

i write this in the earliest of monday dawn to tell you my heart
i never experienced love this mesmerizing before, it all feels surreal to know that my love for someone could be this strong.

i wanted to thank you for making me feel happiest,
i always want to thank you for everything in my life, including making me smile and laugh a lot
i wanted to thank you for making me able to feel love again
the true kind of love

it's like i'm actually getting the true ending of my life!
i never imagined i would love someone this hard and i did
i love you so much with all my heart and i want to keep you forever

my heart is pretty small, i would say
it can shrink and snaps easily, it gets sad easily
it used to be sad a lot
but with you around, my heart grows
i never experienced this kind of happiness before, and i thought to myself
"oh wow, well this is love then"

i told myself several years ago
that i would cry if i finally found the one
and i realised that more day by day,
and tonight i cried a lot
i cried because i realised that you are the one
i cried knowing you're actually mine to hold
i cried ... because i know you love me as much as i love you
and i cried because i want to be with you forever

and so i realised, i think this is it

my love is here
and my story will be wrapped happily with you around

thank you for showing up to pita's sad journey,
youve brought me tons of stars and joy
i hope to always be near your orbit
and i wish to make our story last longer than ever
the universe is wide and i would spend every single moment with you
we can go anywhere and we can do anything!
i'll never get tired of being with you


i hope you will always feel the same about me.

i love you, my yusuf
forever and always
pita.

i feel like all my life, im living in someone else's life.
i feel locked, and kept alone
i never understand how others, my friends, are all so free
and yet i am always the one friend who is miserable

all my life my parents have been keeping me to do strict things
they control my life, they control how i dress, what to do, where to study
they control my choices, how i act, everything
my mother always think that shes bigger than me and wants me to do everything according to her
and i get that, i know that she is my mother,
and i know that she has more life experiences than me
but i have done EVERYTHING in her favor ALL MY LIFE
i have done all the things i did for HER
FOR MY PARENTS
i love them to death but they kept locking me up
i felt miserable, i hate how they kept asking me to be their puppet

even for love, they control me and how i feel
my mother disagrees with my relationship with ayis just because of what? just because she said he's FAT
it's such a senseless, stupid, and just literally so fat shaming reason
she is always a bully, always and will always be
she never wants to listen to others thoughts, wants everyone to obey her
i hate her so much for that
and she said "since you know him you are now a wild child"
well what else do you want? huh?
all MY LIFE! ALL MY LIFE i spent crying and locked up in the house, unable to go outside and play with my friends, unable to watch any concert i want to, unable to pick the things i want to, all i did all i did for you!
i hate how you think that ive never thought about you all my life! you know damn well you always bully me then used me as a trophy for you to brag in front of your so called friends
you have always used me right from the start
and i am sick and tired of being a puppet
i can do whatever i want to i am a literal adult
i hate how she treated me and how she always wants to control my fucking life
i hate how she treats ayis harshly and just using every random reasons to judge him and make me miserable
i really hate her
she is evil

i just wanted to be happy
all my life ive been feeling meaningless, worthless, just basically unloved
until ayis came and brought me happiness
i never knew that someone could love me that hard
i can feel him loving me and it warms my heart
but everything shatters just because my mother hates his look, says his fat
its so unfair, dont you think?
she is so out of her mind

and all i can do now is just pray
and write, and cry, and pray some more
i miss being happy, i never even knew if i have ever experienced being happy
i hope Allah will ease up my journey
i love my mother, dont get me wrong, i love her so much, i wouldnt have done everything for her if i didnt love her
but sometimes she could be deranged, like justifying her wrongdoings on baseless reasons that are literally subjective and not kind.
just not kind at all.
and im so tired of being a puppet of hers, i can be happy too. i know i can
all my friends can
i just hope that i can be happy with ayis in peace without her bothering my life
i just really want her to understand me
and accept ayis for what he is
he is kind, and he loves me so much
and i just wish she could see that.
and what shes doing to me is making me even more miserable.

these days all i feel is emptiness
and the shallow pain of heartbreak
the feeling of being stabbed in the heart
it's painful for me to embrace

i feel small and inferior
someone everyone use to say "oh i'm better than her"
i am most of the times alone
i cry and now i can't cry anymore

my outside personality is a jokester
i want others to feel happy near me
i want them to laugh at my jokes
but sometimes i think to myself
oh maybe they want to be friends with me because i'm just a jokester and they think that they'll be bigger and better than me
and that i'm a nobody
i am always a nobody

my family is a shipwreck, everyone keeps being mad and loud screams are everywhere
everyday i wake up to another terrifying ambiance with people fighting
i hate this place

i so wish to run away and live alone
but they told me i can't and i think about myself more

i care about others
i gave others my all
but they didn't give me anything in return
just sadness
i wish people would look at me with love
but i received coldness and sentiments

yesterday i felt happy, for once
i went to the office and did some work with my senior who is cute
he is thoughtful and kind
and i felt happy, for once
and then i went to schedule an eating out with my boyfriend and my friends said they want too
and i had to make a decision to include them too
for proofs for my parents
and then it's all just not about me anymore
the anniversary, the date, everything shatters

it all starts going downhill
my friend judged my lipstick color being too red
and they said it's because i want to meet ayis, my boyfriend.
and my boyfriend bought foods for everyone
i am sorry for being small
compared to others, i feel a sense of jealousy
and my pretty friend came and everyone started laughing more

i have always thought of her as being better than me
she has better skin complexion, better hair, better everything, she is prettier
and everything matches well with a pretty girl
and her voice is good

so the karaoke stop was a tragedy because i sang off tune
everyone disliked my singing and my voice is ugly
compared to her

so my boyfriend sang a song with .. her..
and i know it's just nothing
but at that moment i so wish,
i so wish i could jump off a cliff
and die

and vanish

i remember my boyfriend likes people who are vocal, who can sing well
because he likes to sing

and then when my friend shows off her amazing singing
he started singing with her

it felt heartbreaking to see how when i sing everyone looked at me funny and even skipped the song
my boyfriend looked at me awkwardly, silent
but when my friend sang, they all join in and had fun

i wish i had better singing voice
maybe it's all true
i am not good at singing
it's all in my head

i'm never good at anything
my friends said i'm sometimes dumb
and my family said i'm dumb too

my boyfriend is the only happy memory from me
but after everything i did, he sometimes makes me wonder
am i really loved

i know he loves me, but i can feel that at times,
he's just embarrassed, and maybe he just
he is just lonely

i don't know
maybe he kept me for investments
for the future?
i don't know
all i know now is that i felt small, and inferior
and i felt that i want to disappear


today i've been silent
my father is going at it again with his angry agenda
and my mother strikes back
i'm all alone and i think of work
and i want to cry but i can't

it's painful
i want to run away somewhere far
thoughts haunt me and my head keeps spinning
my cats don't want to get close to me

i so wish things will be better for me

as for now i'm just feeling empty and sad
i'm afraid of being left alone so i did everything i could to make you stay, ayis
i even did the things that would make me go to hell
but sometimes i just think that, and i feel that i'm not going to be here anymore
that you don't care and you don't make me feel loved,
and i know you can get better girls out there but then again you still want me to be your investment
and i don't know anymore

everything bad surfaces in my brain and i just feel sorry for everyone
i'm sorry for thinking this way
i'm sorry for being a disappointment
i'm sorry for everything.

i wish to see better days and feel happy again
i want to visit my grandfather's tomb and cry because i know he will give me ice creams to comfort me
i miss him
i miss being loved like that
it was warm and happy and peaceful

and now it's all dark and empty
and painful and scary and i so wish things will become like that childhood memory i had with him
i only know the love my grandparents gave me
was true love, for i felt happy truly
im sorry grandfather, i failed you
i didn't become a happy girl

i miss being happy though
and i miss you so much

sorry to everyone
for me existing
i'm so sorry for being here
i dont even know why i'm alive

all my life
i wish i was dead
i dont know why
i am alive and still breathing

i dont even know why
i kept on going
even when i know i only bring others burden and pain

i dont know why
im sorry for ruinig everything
im sorry for everything
im sorry for me

im sorry for being alive
i dont know why im alive
i hope you know that i'm sorry
im sorry
im terribly sorry i m sorry for being born into this world
i always bring mess and burden with me
i am sorry for causing ruckus to this world
im sorry for existing
im sorry

im sorry dad, mom, and brothers.
im always bringing trouble
i hope i can go away soon
but im scared of the afterlife
but i know that you will be better off without me in your life
im sorry for making you go through all these pain

i know i'm wrong
i am sorry
i feel like i have to go now
i feel like i'm at this point where i should stop
and leave this world for good
but im scared
i m scared of everything
im sorry for being such a coward
i love everyone i just want to spend a few more happy memories with everyone
please forgive me
im sorry for my mistakes
im sorry for everything

i hate how i act too and how i ruin things in a second
i just want to disappear sometimes
most of the time
i just stare into the blankness and wonder will i ever be good
will i ever be better
without me will you feel okay
i kept thinking that im causing everything to break
im sorry for that
im sorry for me

im sorry
sorry for everything
i m sorry
i hopw you know that im sorry
im sorry for not being stronger
i love you dad, mom, brothers
i love you and im sorry
i am sorry for making your life harder
i am sorry
i love you